All That Is Left
by Winter Blake
Summary: Sighing Merlin turned on the television and flipped to the news. They were talking about the party boy son of some politician- as if Merlin cared. And then Merlin saw a picture and he froze. The young man was in his early twenties, and with a face that made Merlin's hazy memories become clear as day. Arthur. Trigger warning for attempted suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Warning: Mention of attempted suicides**

* * *

**All That Is Left**

Merlin lost count of how many times he had tried, and how many different ways he had attempted. He remembered the first time clearly. It had been about ten… no fifteen… no, maybe twenty years after Arthur's death, when Merlin had realized he hadn't aged a day. Merlin had very calmly taken a knife and plunged it into his chest. He remembered excruciating pain and blood pouring out of his body, and he remembered the feeling of pure happiness that he was going to die, that he wouldn't have to live in the world anymore before darkness overtook him.

Merlin awoke the next day, dried blood on his skin and on the ground around him, and pain- gods how his chest hurt. In alarm Merlin put his hands over the place he had stabbed himself and found nothing but a scar. Merlin had accepted this calmly, and then went about his normal routine.

The second time Merlin tried to kill himself was two hundred years later and Merlin had awoken in a panic when he realized he couldn't remember Arthur's laugh. He couldn't remember his laugh, or the exact shade of his blue eyes (they had been blue right? Merlin was almost positive), and Merlin had started to panic. He couldn't get in enough air and he felt as if he would suffocate. All he could think of was Arthur, and that he was starting to forget.

_Please don't let me forget. My memories are all I have left. _

Merlin had slit his wrists this time. He awoke to more pain, scarred but healed wrists, and a feeling of complete horror.

_I can't go on. I can't do this. Don't make me do this. Please. _

Merlin's last attempt had been in 2013, the day of the New Year, and Merlin realized just how long he had been waiting. He couldn't remember certain things, he couldn't remember… He had taken to many sleeping pills that time. It hadn't surprised Merlin when it didn't work.

Barley a month had passed and Merlin doubted Arthur would ever come back. It had been so long, and Camelot was gone, _everyone _was gone, and Merlin felt so _old_. He didn't belong on the earth anymore. He should have died over a thousand years ago, the day his king died. He should have died with Arthur. Why couldn't he have died with Arthur? What was he supposed to do now anyway? If Arthur did come back what would he do?

Sighing Merlin turned on the television and flipped to the news. They were talking about the party boy son of some politician- as if Merlin cared. And then Merlin saw a picture and he froze. The young man was in his early twenties, and with a face that made Merlin's hazy memories become clear as day. _Arthur._ He had been alive for over twenty something years and Merlin hadn't known. How had he not known?

_Right. Think Merlin, think!_

He cast a finding spell that told him Arthur was in London. London was kind of far. Or at least he'd have to take a very long train ride, but that didn't matter. He hastily packed a bag and ran from the house to the nearest train station.

He arrived later that night and after casting another finding spell discovered Arthur was at a club. Getting in was going to prove difficult for Merlin.

Merlin was glad he had been appearing as his younger self for the past year. He was dressed as a young man, and would hopefully blend in with the people at the club. Although from what Merlin saw of the club and suspected about Arthur, the club would be filled with rich party kids and celebrities, and Merlin decidedly did not fit in with that crowd.

Maybe if he gave enough money to the bouncer he could get in. But what would be enough?

In the end Merlin had found a way in with much begging, and giving the bouncer far to much money. The club's music was loud and Merlin could hardly hear himself think. After a quick look around Merlin easily found Arthur. He was surrounded by a swarm of people, mainly girls, and there he stood, laughing and smiling with a drink in his hand.

Merlin froze for what seemed like hours. He couldn't move. He could only stare at the man he had been waiting so long for- and there he was, right in front of Merlin. And oh how Merlin wanted to run to him and embrace him and never let go. But what if Arthur didn't remember him? What if Arthur no longer needed or wanted him, what if…

"Are you alright mate?" a voice said startling Merlin. He turned to see a familiar face, Gwaine looking at him with an amused smile. Merlin wasn't very surprised to find Gwaine. He'd found all the knights reincarnated at one time or another. They never remembered there past lives, sometimes they were completely different people then Merlin remembered them.

"I'm fine," Merlin lied. He was shaking, and holding back tears, and it was all he could do not to run to Arthur and never let go.

"You sure? You look kind of pale," Gwaine asked concerned.

Before Merlin could answer Merlin heard another voice accompanied by a _very_ familiar face. "Tom what are you doing?" Arthur said to Gwaine with an exasperated expression. "I've been looking for you."

"I was talking to someone Princess."

Merlin had to hold back hysterical laughter at Gwaine's words. Some things never changed, and in Merlin's fragile state he felt like those words might break him.

"Right," Arthur drawled. "Well say goodbye to your friend. We are going. I can't take another second of that Betty girl."

"It's Bethany," Gwaine corrected automatically.

"_Whatever_. Can we please just go?"

"Aren't you going to say hello to my friend?"

Arthur gave Gwaine an angry glare and all Merlin did was stand there unable to do anything. Merlin was so close to him. He only had to reach out and…

"Fine introduce me," Arthur said in a tense voice, and then turned to look at Merlin. The angry look on his face suddenly left and he stared intently at Merlin with confused eyes, like he was trying to place him. "Have we met before?" Arthur asked Merlin.

Gwaine grinned and said, "This is Merlin."

Merlin's jaw literally dropped and he turned to Gwaine who had a twinkle in his eyes. "But how?" he asked.

"As if I could ever forget you Merlin," Gwaine said, and then whispered in Merlin's ear, "I don't think he remembers. Give him some time. I'm sure it'll come back." Gwaine winked at Merlin before walking off.

"What kind of name is Merlin?" Arthur scoffed.

"The one I was given." Merlin said, barley able to contain himself.

_Arthur please remember. _Please_. Remember me. _

"You look really familiar. We've met somewhere before."

Merlin nodded and said in a shaky voice, "yes, we have Arthur."

"Arthur? My name isn't-" Arthur suddenly stopped and stared at Merlin and his eyes suddenly filled with understanding. "Merlin?" he whispered his eyes filled with tears. "Oh my god, _Mer_lin."

"Arthur," Merlin whispered. He stopped himself from falling into Arthur's arms; it wouldn't do to make a scene.

Arthur didn't seem to have any such reservations because he was crushing Merlin to him, and Merlin just stood there shaking and trying to hold back his sobs.

"Let's get out of here," Arthur murmured into Merlin's hair, and Merlin nodded. He extricated himself from Arthur's embrace, but Arthur still held his hand tightly, and Merlin was glad of that. He squeezed Arthur's hand, afraid that he might disappear at any moment- that this might be a beautiful dream (or hellish nightmare), and he'd wake up in his room alone once again.

Arthur led Merlin out of the club and into a limousine. Arthur told the driver to take him back home, and then touched a button to pull up the window in the front, giving Arthur and Merlin privacy from the driver.

Once the window was up Merlin couldn't contain himself anymore and he threw himself at Arthur, sobbing in his arms, and Arthur just held him and smoothed back his hair, and whispered words that Merlin barley heard.

"When did you remember?" Arthur asked eventually. Merlin had curled himself into Arthur's side, his head in Arthur's shoulder, but when Arthur said those words Merlin looked up in surprised.

"What?" Merlin asked. Arthur didn't know. Didn't know that Merlin had stayed and hadn't died, he'd been waiting. Waiting for so fucking long.

"Your memories. When did they come back? I… it's so strange."

Arthur put his head in his hands and Merlin pulled away from Arthur, giving him distance. Arthur must have been incredibly confused and Merlin didn't need to be clinging to him when he was going through it. Arthur's needs came first.

"It's okay Arthur. The confusion will pass," Merlin said, although he wasn't sure if it would. He just wanted to sound hopeful.

"Was this what it was like for you?"

"No… no, I never…" Merlin didn't finish the thought, unsure of how to tell Arthur. How did you tell your reincarnated best friend that you were immortal and had been waiting for him for over a thousand years?

"Gwaine remembers I think. He started acting so weird a few months ago. I guess this explains it."

"Have you seen any of the others?"

Arthur shook his head. "No, just Gwaine."

Merlin nodded. "It's probably just a coincidence. Everybody is reincarnated out of order. Last time more then one of us was reincarnated at the same time was one hundred years ago, and it was just Percival and Leon."

"_What_?"

_Stupid, stupid Merlin! Why can't you just shut up for once._

Merlin thought for a moment, wondering how to explain. "Well you see some people are reincarnated. Not everybody, but some. And all the knights and most people in our lives during Camelot are apart of the cycle. They rarely however are reincarnated together. Gwaine probably just happened to be born when you finally returned. You must be the reason he remembered. What with you being all Once and Future and stuff. Nobody has ever remembered before anyway."

"Excuse me?" Arthur didn't look any less confused. "So this has happened all before? I've lived even more lives?"

Merlin shook his head. "Not you. You've been gone this whole time. You've only just returned. You're different then the others."

"How do you know all of this?"

_It happens when you've been around for so long. _

"Um… I've seen most of them. I've seen most people we knew being born again. Never got to know them mind you, just would run into them occasionally. I'd run off after that. Never got to know them again, or I'd risk trigger memories or something. Whenever I run into Morgana I leave the country for a good long while until I'm sure she's dead. Left the continent the first time I saw her. Picked the wrong time though. Got caught up in the American Revolution. Met George Washington though. He had really bad teeth- although not wooden like people say."

Merlin was rambling, but what was he supposed to say? In the beginning Merlin had imagined meeting Arthur again a million different times and what he would say to him, but he had stopped that after five hundred years, it hurt too much. Now Merlin had no idea how to act or what to say. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to hold onto Arthur and beg him never to leave again, and tell him how much he missed him, and tell Arthur how tired and hurt he was- but he knew he couldn't. That wasn't for Arthur to bear.

"What are you talking about Merlin? How many times have you been reincarnated?"

Merlin closed his eyes for a second. This was it, he had to tell Arthur.

"Never actually," Merlin said finally. "I've… I've never died."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, eyes wide.

"Seems the name Emrys means immortal. I've been here all this time… waiting for you."

Arthur looked at him with sad eyes, and Merlin knew that he couldn't hide his pain from Arthur. He might have been able to hide his magic from Arthur, but not much else. No matter how many years had passed Arthur still knew him better then anyone, maybe better then Merlin knew himself.

Arthur put his hand on Merlin's cheek and stared at him. Merlin averted his eyes in shame.

"Merlin. Merlin look at me," Arthur said quietly. And Merlin unable to ignore a request from Arthur after having been apart form him for so long, obeyed. "Please tell me you didn't just wait. You had friends right? You weren't alone this whole…" Arthur stopped because the look in Merlin's eyes was answer enough.

Arthur sighed sadly and took Merlin's hands in his own, his thumb stroking Merlin's hand.

"I can't believe that you've waited, all this time," Arthur said.

Merlin let out a manic laugh. "I wouldn't say I was unwavering during that time. I wanted to be gone many times."

Arthur's hold on his wrists tightened painfully, Merlin was sure they would bruise. "Don't ever say that Merlin. Don't."

Merlin gave a tight smile, "I think I've lived my share. Not that I don't want to be here. You have finally arrived, and you took your damn sweet time about it you prat."

Arthur laughed and Merlin knew that this wasn't going to heal him, make him forget all the pain and loneliness he had experienced over the past thousand years, but it was enough. Arthur was enough.

**Please R&R **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: There is no excuse for me taking such a long time to finish this. I've had half of this written for what seems like ages, but I couldn't finish it. I just couldn't figure out how to finish this, and suddenly I new how to tonight. I'm so sorry for taking this long. Anyway this is the last chapter so I hope you enjoy it. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

"Nice place you got here," Merlin said awkwardly, standing in the living room of Arthur's quite posh flat.

"Thanks, although I can't take much credit for the decorating. Father hired someone to do it," Arthur said with a wry smile as he sat down on the couch and Merlin followed suit.

"When you say father do you mean…"

"Uther, yeah. I'm surprised you don't know who my father is. He's going be Prime Minister one day."

Merlin snorted, "I don't doubt it. Are you planning on following your father's footsteps into politics?"

"Wasn't before but now…"

"Yeah."

There was a pregnant pause and Merlin probably should have found the silence awkward but it wasn't. He was finally with Arthur and nothing ever felt more right.

"I can't believe you're here," Merlin said still in disbelief. "I gave up on you returning over three centuries ago."

"Sorry 'bout that. Didn't mean to keep you waiting."

"It was worth the wait," said Merlin unabashedly.

Arthur gave Merlin a smug grin before he said, "of course it was."

"You're a dollophead."

"We've been over this Merlin. There is no such thing as a dollophead."

"Yes there is, and that's you."

They fell back into their old bantering routine easily- much more easily then Merlin thought possible. Merlin just felt so… _warm_. He felt as if he was finally home and he never wanted to be gone from it again. The idea of living another thousand years without Arthur was unimaginable now, after finally seeing and talking to Arthur once again. If Arthur left Merlin wasn't sure how he was going to live. He wasn't sure if he would be able to find the willpower to get out of bed and do much of anything.

But that would happen, Merlin suddenly realized. Arthur would die again, either from old age or something else, and Merlin would be alone again and… Merlin stopped his thought process at that because if he continued he would start panicking and he didn't want to worry Arthur.

"Do you live in London?" Arthur asked eventually. Merlin looked at his watch and saw that it was almost two in the morning. Had he really been talking to Arthur that long?

"I live in the country."

"Well until you find a flat you'll just stay here then. I don't have a guest room but-"

"Who said I'm moving to London? You can't just order me about anymore." Merlin tried to seem indignant.

"Of course you're moving here."

It was true. As much as Merlin didn't really want to admit it, what Arthur said was true. He was going to be living in London, he was going to be with Arthur every second he could.

Seeing Merlin's face Arthur grinned smugly. "I knew it. My room is over there, and my pajama drawer is the middle one. Just pick out any shirt to sleep in."

With a sigh Merlin got up and went to Arthur's room to do as Arthur said. He had stripped down to nothing but his boxers when Arthur came into the room casually holding a mug.

"I brought you some tea," Arthur smiled until he caught sight of Merlin's upper torso. Merlin grimaced, knowing what Arthur was looking at- his scars. Dozens of scars from the different attempts Merlin had made on his own life. Knife wounds, sword wounds, and two gunshots. None were Merlin's finest moments, he would admit.

"What happened to you Merlin?" Arthur's tone was deadly serous as he put aside the mug, and invaded Merlin's personal space looking closely at Merlin's scarred body.

"Nothing."

"_Mer_lin."

"I… It was just different things from… over the years. Wars, you know."

"Wars? I seriously doubt you fought in any wars."

"World War II."

"There were no swords in World War II and that is definitely a stab wound from a sword. It looks like it got all the way through. How did you survive?"

Merlin stayed silent and waited for Arthur to answer his own question.

"You can't die can you? Nothing can kill you."

"I'm sure something can, I just haven't found it."

Arthur didn't smile. "Well… I pity the man who stabbed you. Why'd he do it?"

"Do what?"

"Stab you!"

"Oh… You know it's rather sexist of you to assume it was a _he_, don't you think? We live in the twenty first century and women-"

"Merlin," Arthur's voice was sharp. "You're avoiding the question."

"What question?"

Arthur looked as if he were about to stab Merlin himself. "Why do you have so many scars?"

"Well some are from back in the day when I was saving your arse."

"And the others?"

Merlin stayed quiet for sometime, but his silence spoke volumes. Arthur knew who inflicted the wounds, and Merlin didn't need to say a word. A thousand years may have passed, but it changed nothing.

"I was lonely," Merlin finally whispered pathetically. "Nothing ever worked though. I even tried the guillotine."

"You tried to get your_ head_ chopped off?"

"That was by mistake actually. In retrospect I should have realized the French wouldn't have taken to kindly to an Englishmen during their revolution. And I also should probably not have objected to the killing of that one man…"

"Even you're not that much of an idiot Merlin. You knew what would happen. You wanted it to happen."

"Yeah."

Arthur closed his eyes and put his hands up to rub his head, and Merlin was terrified. He was sure Arthur was going to reject him. He had realized how much Merlin had changed, how broken he was, and wanted him to leave. He couldn't control the shaking in his hands when Arthur finally opened his eyes to look sadly at Merlin.

"I'm sorry," Arthur whispered startling Merlin.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry Merlin," Arthur said again taking Merlin's shaking form in his arms and holding Merlin, as if he was trying to protect merlin not only from the outside world, but also himself.

"I just… I couldn't… I tried so hard…" Merlin sobbed into Arthur's shoulder.

"Shh, shh. You did great Merlin. You did more then anyone should ever do, and you did make it, and I'm here now. I'm always gonna be right here."

"But what if-?"

"I'm not leaving you again. We'll find a way to fix this okay? Neither of us are going to be separated again."

Merlin nodded as he tried to swallow his hysteric sobs, but Arthur just rubbed his back soothingly and said to him, "let it out Merlin. It's okay. I'm here to catch you now. Just let it out."

**Please review **


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